January 5th, St. Kilda

On hearing that some mob calling itself Reclaim Australia had recently held a rally on St. Kilda beach, my first thought was that it must have been some sort of aboriginal Australia Day protest—organised for, through some monumental mishap in planning, some 20 days early—decrying the national celebration of the anniversary of Great Britain opening its first Australian gulag.

But, surprisingly, it turned out to be a gathering of concerned European gangs worried about the rapidly changing demographics of Australia which, over the past couple of centuries, have been dominated by migrants who, by definition, are not natives of the land they have so outrageously claimed for themselves!

To right this terrible wrong, they planned to commandeer local yachts, motorboats, paddleboards, surfboards, kickboards, backfloats, floaties, water wings, and all floatation devices they could get their self-hating hands on, then make a break on the open seas for Antarctica—a land yet to be settled—which they could with a clear conscience call their own.

A British larrikin who had been taken completely out of context by the (((left-wing media))) when he called for a Final Solution to be imposed after centuries of unchecked mass migration had ravaged the nation, flew in at taxpayer’s expense from Queensland to show his solidarity with the foreign migrants, after being terribly impressed by their novel, ingenious initiative of attempting to deport themselves.

Unfortunately, members of antifo (anti-foreignischte, a direct action group opposing all forms of migration) stole some of the budding émigrés’ sails and, according to some of those who had organised the peaceful rally, masqueraded as members of Reclaim Australia and its splinter groups while waving Green Peace and pirate flags to discredit them.

The self-imposed act of ethnic cleansing failed, as a strong police presence prevented the theft of any flotation devices on the beach—though one child’s ice cream was crushed in the midst of a fracas over an abandoned surfboard as desperate members of Reclaim Australia fought among themselves for the only vessel they could legally commandeer—and with a police catamaran and helicopters patrolling the water, the exodus was all but impossible; even if the seas were to part in a miracle, the catamaran could straddle the valley of water.

Police released a statement after the event in which they supported the right of citizens to protest peacefully, but warned all migrants that just as no one may enter the country without going through the proper channels, nor may they leave it. St. John’s Ambulance also released a statement in which they confirmed that no one had drowned, but nevertheless repeated warnings about swimming while drunk, in remote areas or unknown waters, and without proper supervision, and also reminded all beachgoers, whether protesting or relaxing, of the Cancer Council’s advice to apply liberal quantities of sunscreen as many protesters got very nasty sunburns, having migrated from countries where there isn’t much sunlight at all.